GRAHAMOPHONE'S BAD GUITAR CHANNEL

Peace Out: a Retrospective of 2011

2011-12-24T11:49:00.000-08:00

Sorry if I ruined your holiday mood with this rather blunt and harrowing retrospective of the year of our Lord 2011, but these are the facts, ma’am, just the facts. Regardless of religion, the preferred methods of violence this year seem to be rioting, shooting people in the head and, coming in third, pepper-spraying.

And regardless of religion, people just don’t seem to learn. There’s nothing we can do about the hurricanes, tornadoes and earthquakes (well, except blame them on the gays), but it seems there’s a lot we can still do about the other stuff. Let’s begin by trying with all our might to stop shooting people in the head.

In my own weird way, I consider myself somewhat of a journalist, which is why I aim to give you the facts in a concise, accurate, timely fashion. Ergo I must publish this without a diatribe, as it is meant to be my official GBGC X-MAS video!

Peace, out. See you in 2012!!

GBGC Original - If I Had A Boyfriend (track #71)

2011-10-23T15:07:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have been following me, you know that the vast majority of my technological equipment was stolen a couple months ago (see previous video).

This put a pretty big fork in operations here at Grahamophone’s Bad Guitar Channel, so I apologize for the delay in getting the next video out. At last I have replenished all my equipment - in fact the quality of the microphone and camera in the new MacBook Pro is pretty good, almost TOO good - and the creative juices are flowing again. But never ye fear - the GBGC videos and songs will never lose their homespun touch, and the bad guitar will never, ever be in tune (see Track #7 “Totally Flawsome”).

This little ditty has been going around in my head for the past several weeks, after having survived the shock of the robbery and getting back into my old routines. I realized that, although I was afforded an opportunity for a fresh start (which I have partially taken advantage of), and although I would like to have someone to share this fresh start with, I am pretty darn happy sitting home alone, farting or whatever, whenever the spirit moves me. So to speak.

Here I Am at the Apple Store - a letter to Steve Jobs from GBGC

2011-08-24T10:19:00.000-07:00

Just ten days before my birthday, all my cherished Mac equipment was stolen. The following song (lyrics below) says it all:

p.s. Please be patient while GBGC Studios gets back on its feet again!

Addendum: Just hours after posting this video, I learned that Steve Jobs resigned from his position as CEO of Apple. GBGC wishes Mr. Jobs all the best, and hopes that, in his new position as chairman, he will continue to be a creative inspiration in the world of computers. Mac macht's möglich!

Dear Mr. Jobs,

You don't know me, I sing opera professionally. In fact, I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. I took my laptop wherever I went; working on my website was time well spent. And this is the matter that concerns you.

You see, the other day when I was at work, I fell victim to a thieving jerk who snuck in through the back door at the cafe. He emptied our bags of all they were worth, then disappeared off the face of the Earth. No one's ever treated me that way.

So here I am at the Apple Store. I don't have a MacBook no more. They took it from me while I wasn't looking, out from the kitchen where nothing was cooking. Ain't nobody ever done me so wrong, and so I wrote you this little song. Dear Mr. Jobs, won't you please send a new MacBook to me.

As if that wasn't bad enough, they also took some other stuff, like an iPod Touch with fancy In-Ear Headphones. Yes, an iPod Touch with 8 gigabytes and cool apps like Skype and Flashlight, so I could always find my way home.

So here I am in the Apple Store. I don't have my iPod no more. He took it out of my purse and left me my keys. You can have my house, just give me my iPod back, please, so I can play Scrabble while I'm on the road and listen to my favorite NPR shows. This American Life is hard to believe. Give me an iPod, Steve.

I bet you didn't expect to hear a third verse. My sob story just keeps getting worse. The MacBook and the iPod weren't the only things stolen. That bastard took my external hard drive and now I want him - dead or alive - to "back up" into my hand until his ass is swollen.

So here I am in the Apple Store. Heck, I don't even have an external hard drive no more. I wish I could climb into that Time Machine and catch that guy who swiped me clean of Breaking Bad, Mad Men and Weeds, and yes, even a season of Glee, not to mention my work: my writing, my singing, my whole life's oeuvre.

I got a bit frustrated, I'll admit, when iMovie would always unexpectedly quit, and I couldn't open certain types of files. But I've always been an Apple girl - the thought of a PC just makes me want to hurl. But dreaming of my MacBook makes me smile.

So here I am at the Apple Store. I know you can't give me my pictures no more, nor letters from my family, recordings of my voice. But what can I do? I have no choice. Dear Mr. Jobs, you know how I feel. My love for Apple is something very real. A MacBook, a hard drive, an iPod Touch is all that I want - am I asking too much? I just don't have two thousand bucks. I got talent and a dream, but otherwise my life pretty much sucks. So dear Mr. Jobs, I'm down on my knees, send me a new MacBook, please.

Yours truly,
gbgc

GBGC Original: The Queen of the Night

2011-07-20T13:45:00.000-07:00

As many of you may know, I am a professional opera singer.

Yes, it's true.

My most recent role is Mozart's famous Queen of the Night. On the one hand, this role is a coloratura's dream. She sings two of the most challenging arias written for our Fach, and the character is very complex. The challenge lies in the fact that she has but three short entrances in which she must prove all of her pudding. The sprint to the runner's marathon, so to speak.

If a singer is lucky enough to be able to sing the Queen, she is often cast in this role more than any other -- this can be a curse as well as a blessing. Although we are thankful for having work, we crave a bit more more variety. The struggles that the Queen herself endures become apparent in the offstage persona. A blurry line between good and evil, love and hate.

GBGC Original: Whine whine bicker bitch moan complain

2011-06-11T05:44:00.000-07:00

I heard once that if you say what you really mean when you get hurt (like screaming profanities when you accidentally hammer your thumb), that you actually heal quicker. In fact, people who cried "#$@%!!!" felt better even faster than those who merely said "gosh darn it" (because you know "gosh darn it" is not what you really mean).

Of course, its not always a good idea to use this method if it's your boss or a good friend who has done you harm. Bite your tongue and say it in a song -- that will surely help you turn your frown upside down!

This little ditty commemorates the start of a week in which I will be the featured comedy artist on YouTube's Social Media Talent Network. No big deal just yet, but I'm glad at least somebody is randomly noticing me! Thanks for watching, listening, reading and maybe even following and/or subscribing!!

GBGC Original: Eddie Vedder Smiled At Me (It's Not A Ukulele)

2011-06-01T16:23:00.000-07:00

Let's get three things straight: a ukulele has four strings, a guitar has six strings, and Eddie Vedder is a beautiful man. I'm not just talking about wavy brown hair, blue eyes and interesting thumb-bone structure; I am also talking about vocal quality, musicianship, creativity, integrity, choice of home (Seattle), and -- oh let's face it, I'm still thinking about the wavy brown hair.

But seriously, folks. Listen to any live recordings of Pearl Jam, and you'll hear a baritonal quality unprecedented in the rock music world, diction similar to that of Dame Joan Sutherland, and compositional structure which rivals any classical composer. Listen to Vedder's new album "Ukulele Songs" and you'll know he's not in it for fame nor fortune. He is an artist and colleague, true to his quirky but beloved instrument, forging new paths for generations to come.

Just like Bridget Fonda's character in the grunge-era film "Singles" (the film that inspired my "I'm Big in Europe" T-shirt and was filmed around the corner from my last abode on Capitol Hill), I moved to Seattle from Arizona at the age of 23. I suppose I knew I was entering Grunge Central Station, but, like my relation to most things in life, I maintained a certain peripherality. Nevertheless, it was almost impossible to remain untouched by the influence of that movement. One such story is told in this, the latest episode of Grahamophone's Bad Guitar Channel. And the next chapter is in the works.

Stay tuned to the Grahamophone!!

(I seemed to recognize your face)

It was a sunny day in Seattle

(that makes this story hard to believe)

but you wouldn’t doubt me at all

if you’d seen what I’d seen.

He pulled up in his truck.

You won’t believe my luck.

(I seemed to recognize your face)

So I thought I’d dilly-dally,

soak up the last few rays.

It was just he and I in the alley

just off of Denny Way.

I was standing at the top of the stairs.

I saw a guitar and curly hair.

(I seemed to recognize your face)

Seattle Opera was rehearsing Turandot (Turandot! Turandot!);

it was time for me to go in.

Some band across the street was jammin’, and as you turned to go

you flashed me a sunny grin.

That smile, and those blue eyes.

I was stunned, I was paralyzed.

I thought, hey that guy really looks like Eddie Vedder.

Oh my God that IS Eddie Vedder!!

(I definitely recognized your face)

That’s the story of when Eddie Vedder smiled at me.

GBGC #66: Anniversary Edition - Don't Stop (Fighting Terrorism)

2011-05-02T02:59:00.000-07:00

In 1994, David Hasselhoff’s big pay-per-view comeback concert was scheduled to be televised on the very same night that O.J. Simpson happened to be fleeing police in a white Bronco. All eyes were on O.J. and Hasselhoff’s comeback was thwarted.

On this day, the first anniversary on Grahamophone’s Bad Guitar Channel, the world awoke to the news that Osama bin Laden had been found and killed in Abbottabad, Pakistan.

I suppose people will be glued to the television news instead of perusing the archives of the GBGC, and the number of views on YouTube will be significantly lower than I projected. But I will persevere. Unlike Hasselhoff, I will try to refrain from sinking into a drunken stupor (if I do, I will of course videotape it, and then maybe one of my videos will finally go viral).

I will not be beaten by terrorists!

After all, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, Baywatch is the world’s most-watched television program. As a result, Hasselhoff’s fortune allegedly amounts to 100 million dollars.

The world’s most loathed enemy may have usurped my ratings today, but I won’t stop thinking about tomorrow. Yesterday’s gone. Yesterday’s gone.

(and for my serious take on today's news, here's my other blog, Christine In Between )

GBGC Original: Yadda Yadda Yadda Yadda (Tell Me Something I Don't Know)

2011-03-05T17:13:00.000-08:00

Those of you who read my other blog will know that I've recently accepted the fact that I'm not perfect. This imperfection comes complete with a healthy dose of impatience. I've been waiting for quite some time for quite a few dreams to come true. And quite honestly, I'm getting quite sick of disappointment.

Quite.

The nice thing about this little phase I'm going through is the realization that I am absolutely unwilling to change to appease others. Take it or leave it, I'm practically perfect in every way. But my guitar, proverbial and otherwise, is out of tune, and that's the way it will stay. Personally, however, I will try to work on the patience bit. Que será, será...

GBGC #64: Verdi Cries (a shout out to fellow singers everywhere)

2011-01-21T14:02:00.000-08:00

As much as I love the dulcet tones of the bad guitar and all of the songs I play on it, one genre has sorely been missing in my videos. Opera. Yes, that's right, I am a professional opera singer and no, I'm not ever going to sing an opera aria on the GBGC. But if you listen closely, you will hear a few well-supported tones in this rendition of one of my favorite 10,000 Maniac tunes. This is a little tribute to my colleagues past and present who are singing their hearts out somewhere in the opera world, and to the man who contributed so much to it: Giuseppe Verdi.

(you can sign up to follow this blog on Blogger, on Facebook, or subscribe to grahamophone on YouTube -- or to follow my operatic videos, check out sopranograham)

GBGC #63: Happy Xmas (War is Over) - Tribute to John Lennon

2010-12-08T12:08:00.000-08:00

John Lennon once sang, "Nobody told me there'd be days like these." I'll bet no one told him that on his way home one chilly December night he'd be shot dead, that's for sure. Despite terror warnings here in good ol' Germany, people are still flocking en masse to the Christmas Markets - a perfect target for any evil-doers. Why not? No sense living in fear of the threats that are known to us, when some random crazy dude could show up on your doorstep and blow your head off. So yeah, I'm pretty pissed off that Mark Chapman took John Lennon away from us 30 years ago today. What irks me even more is that he did it on my friend Steve's birthday. Rude.

GBGC Halloween Quickie - I'm Going Home (Rocky Horror Picture Show)

2010-10-31T07:32:00.000-07:00

Elvis didn't recognize me at first

Today is Halloween. Last night in Frankfurt there was a huge party, mostly attended by the ex-pat community. Ze Germans do Halloween all wrong anyway (forgive them, they know not what they do). Most believe that you are supposed to dress up like something "gruselig" (creepy, scary, gross, blood-curdling), but in fact, we all know you can be whoever you want on Halloween. Several Germans at the party last night chose to just be themselves. Where's the fun in that?

Some of my costumes in the past have included a milk-maid (whatever, I was a weird kid), a cat (oh, how original), a geisha, Paloma Picasso (I was going for Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle, but that's how it turned out...), Agent 99 from "Get Smart", a victim of domestic violence at a cocktail party, and Pris from "Blade Runner."

This year I was inspired by a recent visit home to Tucson, where I was reminded of the Dia de los Muertos - a huge tradition in the Mexican culture, which is of course prominent in southern Arizona. So I did my best to look like a skeleton, wore my new "All Souls Procession" T-Shirt, and went on my merry way.

I was delighted to discover that nobody could recognize me. Even a good friend walked right past me without suspecting it was me. Her boyfriend and I both had the number 13 on our shirts, and I pointed that out to him without speaking -- he later confessed that he thought I was just some random woman trying to flirt with him. Sorry to disappoint him, I eventually confessed my true identity - but only to a select few.

This is a good way to go through life, I think -- not to show your true self until you've tested the waters for just a bit.

GBGC Quickie - Love Will Tear Us Apart Again (Joy Division)

2010-10-03T14:32:00.000-07:00

This has always been one of my favorite songs. I can nowhere near begin to emulate its greatness - the intro of the original just gets my heart pounding like nobody's business. Well, this version is probably not going to have that same effect on you - unless you're into out-of-tune guitars and hot rollers.

But speaking of fetishists... "routine bites hard". Even the most die-hard of stalkers give up the chase after a while. It seems this phenomenon has effected Grahamophone's Bad Guitar Channel. After gaining so many new subscribers on YouTube this week, and even a new blog follower who is a perfect stranger to me, someone who I thought to be my biggest fan cancelled his subscription. Well, if as in this case I can gain 14 subscribers for every one I lose, I'm in pretty good shape. You win some, you lose some, but I am not tearing myself apart over this one.

"Yet there's still this appeal that we've kept through our lives."

So - here I am with my hair up in curlers in preparation for a benefit concert in the Naxos Halle in Frankfurt. The Bad Guitar stayed at home....

GBGC #60: Big Yellow Zombie Mash-up

2010-09-30T13:42:00.000-07:00

The grand prize winner (from last month's first and probably last GBGC quiz), Konstantinos Kostis, was nice enough to give me 6 songs to choose from for his request, but in a fit of indecision, I decided to roll them all up into one. Here's what happened. I hope you like it!! Get your headphones ready ...

(and introducing the new GBGC jingle!)

GBGC #59: As Yet Unbridled (a GBGC Original, and LIVE to boot!)

2010-09-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

For those of you who could unfortunately not come to my 40th birthday party, show and jam session, here's a bit of the entertainment. For the first time on the GBGC, I am playing a regular sized guitar, albeit not loudly enough. That doesn't matter, though, since the emphasis was on the words. For the 55 people that were there that night (some of whom even got up on stage to play, too!), thanks for being such a wonderful audience and good company. Let's do this again sometime! (Oh, and special thanks to Norman for filming!!)

GBGC #58: Almost Heaven, West Virginia: Grahamophone Travel Guide

2010-09-24T14:52:00.001-07:00

Part of being an artist (pronounced "ar-TEEST") is convincing your audience that you are enjoying what you are doing, even if you aren't. Case in point, I had to sing in a wedding last week, and of course the lovely couple picked "All I Ask of You" from Phantom of the Opera . I don't like that song one bit! So the trick is to figure out what other people like about it, and try to go from there. I sang so convincingly, that I practically teared up myself during the blessed event.

"Take Me Home, Country Roads" is another song I don't particularly like to sing nor play, but my stint in a country band forced me to. And, as I promised the winner(s) of my first GBGC Quiz to play their request(s), I again had no choice but to play a song I probably wouldn't otherwise choose for myself.

It was indeed a challenge, which I believe to have successfully portrayed in the deceptive minor chord phrase beginnings and melodic alterations. Still, I think John Denver would've liked it. I took this opportunity to give my other fans another virtual tour of a place I know well - whether I like it or not is besides the point.

So, Tim, the runner-up winner of the quiz, I hereby present to you your request: "Take Me Home, Country Roads" Thanks for playing! Enjoy!

GBGC #57: Farewell to Bad Baby Banjo - Missing You (John Waite)

2010-09-15T03:02:00.000-07:00

How much time have I wasted being upset over losing something that didn't belong to me? Now ask yourself that same question. Then watch this video.

I enjoyed the pleasure of your company, Bad Baby Banjo. You allowed me to play chords unfathomable on the Bad Guitar. Your resonating drum gave new percussive depth to the GBGC sound. You gave fresh perspective to the timeless hits of the 80s. But, Bad Baby Banjo, the truth is you didn't belong to me. The whole time we were together, four innocent children were deprived of playing countless refrains of "Yellow Submarine." It was time for you to fly (see GBGC Track #23) back to them. The truth is, I didn't love you. And I ain't missing you at all. Really.

GBGC #56: Bad Baby Banjo plays "Bad" (Michael Jackson)

2010-09-10T15:06:00.000-07:00

So, the GBGC Top 40 Countdown went down without a glitch. I celebrated my birthday fantastically and reached my goal of making a Bad Guitar video every day for 30 (+2) days. After a well-deserved break, I felt an itch to start playing again, even though I still have tons of stuff on the back burner that should probably take precedence.

I share a birthday with Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, but he didn't write any decent songs (Lyrics, yes. Songs, no). The day after, however, would have been Michael Jackson's 52nd birthday (and Ingrid Bergman's 95th, but she didn't write any songs, either. Movies, yes. Songs, no). So, as a tribute to a fellow Virgo and artist, and as a farewell to the Bad Baby Banjo, which I intend to give back to its rightful owner tomorrow, here's "Bad." Bad. Really, really bad. Shamon!

QUIZ: what "mistake" did I make in this video that faithful fans of the GBGC might notice?
PRIZE for the correct answer - I will take your request!!
CONDITIONS: you have to be a "follower" on Blogger or NetworkedBlogs or a subscriber on YouTube. One entry per contestant.
For the WINNER: your request must be a song with chords I know how to play!

GBGC Original: Today is My Birthday

2010-08-28T08:47:00.000-07:00

What better way to kick off the beginning of the post-countdown season than with a GBGC original?

I wrote this song for a "show" that I performed at my birthday party. It (the show) didn't quite turn out as I'd planned or imagined it, but it was nevertheless perfect. The right thing for the right atmosphere. Hopefully somebody got a good live recording of this song at the party, because the audience reactions are priceless and not reproducible.

Now that it's over and done with, the GBGC episodes will be less frequent. Once again, although I was determined to go, I skipped yoga in order to get this posted in time (I technically still have 4 hours until I'm officially 40). It's time I take the diligence and dedication that I've learned from this experience and apply them to other areas of life.

It's been fun, y'all! Peace, out.

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-1, Running Up That Hill. Still running...

2010-08-27T03:15:00.000-07:00

So I’ve reached the last day of my personal 30-day challenge. I set out to make one Bad Guitar video per day until my birthday, and my birthday is tomorrow (so, depending on how you look at it, I might have to make one more). First of all, I can’t believe I’ve pulled it off. Nobody is paying me to do it. Nobody really would have cared (or noticed) if I had skipped a day. There are many things which I’ve pushed aside in order to achieve this one goal (mostly mundane housework things, but my yoga has also suffered), and if I haven’t been able to push something aside, I’ve simply included it in the video (building IKEA furniture, going on a wee trip to the wine festival, etc.).

The last one was the toughest one, though. Up till now, I’ve just taken the ideas as they came to me. But today, I felt I had to pick a song which was more meaningful or appropriate for the cause. The truth of the matter is, I had no inspiration whatsoever. Although “Running Up That Hill” is quite a fitting anthem for what everyone is searching for in this long life, a greater understanding, I still don’t think it sums up my 40 years in a nutshell. Also, I found it nearly impossible to grasp the form and the changes so, like many people on YouTube, I just sort of made up my own version. But not without a fight.

At the time of writing, I also have the feeling that I have to say something especially poignant to sum up the experience. That may come later, but today is just another day. And I suppose tomorrow will be, too.

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-2, Gimme, gimme, gimme some new Swedish furniture

2010-08-26T03:35:00.000-07:00

GBGC Tutorial: How to Assemble

Semi-disposable Swedish Furniture

After having built the sleeper sofa all by myself, I had no fear of the buffet cabinet from IKEA. Once again, the assembly instructions pictured two characters, but I knew I could manage on my own. Sure, it would be nice to have someone help - in fact, a friend offered to come by on Friday and help, but the fact of the matter is, I'm too impatient. Why should I wait a whole day, playing the damsel in distress, when I can actually manage by myself and have things when I want them? Now, one day later, I am sitting on my brand-spankin'-new couch, and have a cabinet much more fitting for my home than the one that stood there before it. Might be spiessig, but I guess that's what getting older is all about! Turn up the ABBA and let's start building!

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-3, Close to Me. Getting closer. And closer.

2010-08-25T01:53:00.000-07:00

It seems that bit by bit, my life is falling into place. And it's material things that make me think so. For the first time in my life, I have a new couch. I mean a brand new couch, like, that no one's ever owned before me.
The Germans sometimes call a corner couch a Wohnlandschaft - a living landscape. Although my sleeper sofa isn't big enough to qualify for this distinction, in my small living room, it sure does take up a lot of the landscape. And somewhere in my mind, I feel closer to being a bit more grown up. Hope to write more about this phenomenon in my other blog ("Christine's Voice") before my big F-word birthday. Stay tuned.

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-4, Weeping Wine (Tour of the Weinfest in Guntersblum)

2010-08-24T00:53:00.000-07:00

Here at Grahamophone's Bad Guitar Channel, we aim to entertain, but also to educate and intrigue. This is a tour of a typical German Weinfest. They claim to be one of the few wine festivals that serves their customers in actual wine cellars (as opposed to just at tables lined along the street), but I can't imagine that no one esle in all the land hasn't already thought of that. At any rate, I think this little film will give you the idea of what such a festival is like. The weather was lovely, the wine and the food was good (no bad sausages!), and the company was great.

For more about the music, you might want to read my article about Lloyd Cole from my other blog:
http://christinesvoice.blogspot.com/2009/04/are-you-ready-to-be-heartbroken.html

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-5, Back on the Chain Gang (featuring the train gang)

2010-08-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

When my friend Caroline asked me to be part of her goodbye party outing to the wine festival in Guntersblum, I couldn't imagine being able to take part. First of all, I had to do a daily Bad Guitar Channel episode, and second of all, I thought it would be too expensive. As it turns out, the Gruppentageskarte costs not even 25 Euros, and with it you can take up to five people on the train to any destination within that price class. What's more, during a wine festival (which is all about the tasting, you know), wine is extremely cheap. As for the Bad Guitar Channel episodes, well, there was only one thing left to do - bring the guitar with me. Today's episode, as well as tomorrow's will feature scenes from this trip. And I think we've captured the mood rather well. Thanks to my lovely assistants behind the camera, and a special thanks to Caroline for coming up with this fun quickie vacation idea!

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-6, F-f-f-foolin'!!

2010-08-22T00:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes words cannot describe the silliness....

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-7, In a Big Country. This big!

2010-08-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

Every Friday, the hip crowd convenes at Friedberger Platz in Frankfurt, which is just up the road from where I live. It used to be just another weekly market, where conscious shoppers would go to buy their organic vegetables and locally made cheeses and honey. Nowadays, you can wait a half an hour in line to get one glass of prickling Frankfurter apple wine (well worth it, by the way), a Rindswurst (typical Frankfurt all-beef sausage), and to see and be seen. And occasionally, some characters show up and try to provide entertainment. This was the dress rehearsal for perhaps a few more shows to come. Why not? It's just what people do on a Friday.

True to GBGC form, I had no idea when I set out to make this video that it would end up being a little lesson in geography. Things happen.

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-8, Lies, lies, lies!

2010-08-20T02:32:00.000-07:00

Just a little multi-kulti humor: "Lies, lies, lies!" is the imperative "Read! read! read!" in German. I hope you all are also enjoying the introductory texts to the videos, and have maybe taken a gander at my other blog: "Christine's Voice." No music there, just words. That was a word from our sponsor, now back to our normally scheduled programming, the Bad Guitar Channel, already in progress....

I wish I had paid more attention in Form and Analysis. That was the name of a music theory class I took at Northern Arizona University. The only things I remember about that class were writing a paper on a concerto when it should’ve been about a sonata (or the other way around), the professor storming out of the room once because he was fed up with us students, and finding my first gray hair. Seriously. I was 20.

Reacquainting myself with the sonata form just now, I think I’ve stumbled upon one of the reasons I like this song so much. In fact, I effin’ love this song. After its introductory phrases, it has an exposition, then a development, then a recapitulation of those thematic elements and a teeny-tiny coda.... This song is a sonata!

I wonder if Glen Hansard, star and composer of the Oscar-winning film “Once” knew that he was using compositional techniques first found in the 17th century?

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-9, Spending the day reminiscing about mix tapes

2010-08-19T14:47:00.000-07:00

If it weren’t for mix tapes, I don’t think I’d be half as cool as I am today. This is a song I got from a friend who made me a total of ... well ... three or four mix tapes. That’s not many, considering the letters we wrote to each other over the years probably number over a hundred. Still, each one of these tapes was so carefully crafted - the cover art, the handwriting, the selection and ordering of the music. To receive such a tape was always an honor, and I would come close to overestimating my status as the recipient of one had I not made a plethora of them myself.

Don’t get me wrong, that is not to say that people I make mix-tapes for mean nothing to me. Au contraire! The honor of receiving a compilation from me is not one bestowed upon many. Nevertheless one should always take into account that making a mix-tape is also a very selfish endeavor.

Much like the portrait artist, for he does not paint only to please the king whose face he must depict, making a mix-tape appeases one’s own artistic expression:

First, finding the right songs to fit the theme of the tape, varying slow and fast as to not become too monotonous, finding those rare 43-second tracks to fill up the ends of cassettes in order to avoid white noise or - shudder to think - silence before flipping to the B-side. Or on the occasion that I have made multiple tapes for someone, to take care to not repeat a song from a previous mix. Then, painstakingly perusing old magazines for cover art images, writing the song titles on the inside cover with colored pens, making up catch phrases to write on each side of the cassette, making sure to space the letters evenly and stick the labels on straight....

Alas, the invention of the compact disc and the capability to burn them (as in make recordings, not actually ‘burn’ them) has led to the demise of the authentic mix tape. Still, I enjoy making my friends CDs with fancy, computer-generated cover art. And I hope I can share what I find to be good music in my own special way, by presenting my homespun videos on the Bad Guitar Channel.

Thanks, Carlo, for sharing this song with me all those years ago, and thanks to Poi Dog Pondering for writing it.

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-10, Crazy. I think I'll survive.

2010-08-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

Something crazy happened. I found four guitar picks - two of them were too hard, one of them was too soft and one of them is just right. My, my, how playing with the pick sonorous the bad guitar does make

(in German that sentence makes perfect sense)! But in the lower range, my voice couldn't quite cut through, and I didn't want to sing this particular number an octave up. So, I kind of cheated on this "quickie" and laid over an extra vocal track and had some fun with it (the "quickies" are usually unedited rough cuts), hence what looks like bad lip-synching in the video. No Milli Vanilli silliness here - it's all 100% organic, believe me. One of my new YouTube subscribers (yes, you can subscribe to the channel, or follow me on this very site) asked if I used a "harmonizer" - I begged his pardon!

I can't believe I've actually been pulling this off for three weeks straight. I must be crazy. 'Nuff said.

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-11, This is the Day (well, not quite, but you never know)

2010-08-17T13:22:00.000-07:00

I've not run out of songs to sing, but for the moment I've run out of profound things to say. I'll just let the music do the talking. This song is from one of my favorite albums of all time, "Soul Mining" by The The. It was fun making it - using the kazoo and being inspired by the 80's synthesizer "clap-clap" sound (as if they'd forgotten back then that most of us actually have hands to clap with). But the most fun I've had with the Bad Guitar Channel lately has been sharing the experience with friends, some of whom have helped in filming. It keeps the GBGC going and gets me out of my "studio."

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-12, Loser Like You (GBGC Original)

2010-08-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

I bet you're wondering how an opera singer like me came to have such an affinity for guitars and rock and roll. Well, I suppose it has to do with me being born in 1970 and not 1870. Anybody with their eyes and ears open at the time will have noticed a bit of rockin' going on, I should hope. I find it astounding that there are some classical musicians who have no idea what "popular" music is all about.

But that's besides the point. I first started playing guitar my freshman year of college with some stoner dude who lived in my dorm. He taught me my first two chords: G major and E minor. It was with these two chords that I co-wrote my first country hit "The Cowboy Yodelin' Song" with another fellow resident of the dormitory (hopefully a recording of this song can be recovered. Scott? Gary? Anybody out there?).

Months, then years went by and I picked up more chords. With four chords I was able to play a number of songs - that's usually all you need. I reached the height of my guitar playing prowess while I was helping out in a band here in Germany. I owe most of my guitar talents to Miss Behavin' - I had the privilege of accompanying Miss B on a full-sized guitar, reacquainting myself with country music, which my parents used to listen to all the time (so I of course had to hate it at first).

It was during that time that I wrote this song - with FIVE chords - which the band then took and put on their album "Miss Behavin': Unplugged and Naked." They fixed it up real nice, with guitar solos, back-up singers and everything. Makes a mama proud! So if you're into full-fledged bands with tuned instruments, you should go buy yourself a copy of that or any other of their albums (I even sing back-up on the first few!). But for now, here's the original. Enjoy!

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-13, Shine Like it Does: A Tour of Frankfurt

2010-08-15T18:34:00.000-07:00

Today's episode is rather self-explanatory, and I'm extremely tired, so I'll keep it short. Only one more performance of "Die Lustige Weiber von Windsor" - featured in the first 20 seconds of this video - by the Kammeroper Frankfurt. Then I will have more time to enjoy my favorite city, my home of choice. Here's a little tour for you!

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-14, God (Tori Amos). A tour of the cathedral in Frankfurt

2010-08-14T00:45:00.000-07:00

I am not a religious person. Although, since I have been religiously posting Bad Guitar videos, I am beginning to understand what that must be like. I have never believed in the dogma of religion - I am much more into principle - but somehow I do appreciate ritual. I think humans find comfort in ritual and habit. It never ceases to amaze me how Europe's beautiful cathedrals were built centuries ago without the aid of power tools, tractors, cranes, Diet Coke and the like. The religious person might say they built them for the glory of God, but I tend to think that going to church back then was like social networking is today. I feel closest to 'god' when I am singing, that's for sure. Still, capturing these videos clips made me feel a bit uncomfortable - like I was treading on territory where I didn't belong. A special thanks to my camera-men Daniel, Frank, and Eric.

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-15, Bad (U2). The Wrath of (Feroze) Khan, my yoga teacher

2010-08-13T01:33:00.000-07:00

Introducing another branch of GBGC Enterprises - the GBGC rant. There's the Quickie, the Infomercial, the Original, and of course the plain old classic Track. And now there's the rant. Grahamophone tellin' it like it is. And here's the first sad story that I have to tell, inspired by events that conspired over the last... well... 30 years, but culminating in a tragic blow to the spirit which happened this very day. No introduction needed - it's all in the film.

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-16, Hold Me Now

2010-08-12T03:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I've reached the half-way point of my goal: posting a GBGC video every day until my birthday. It hasn't been easy. It's very time-consuming, especially during a full-fledged opera production. But I have to confess that playing my little guitar has been very enjoyable and even therapeutic at times. Not only have I proven to myself that I can stick to a goal, but I've been able to express my joy, my sorrow, my frustration, my fears, my successes, my thoughts .... hey, wait a minute. I think I've just figured out why I chose music as my career. You see? Grahamophone's Bad Guitar Channel, or the making thereof, is actually very useful.

There. I've validated one area of my life, now let's move on to another. Yesterday I had encounters of one sort or the other with four different men. Okay, one of them was a fictitious character, but still.... It was a headwrecker kind of day. I don't know how to continue this story without getting too personal, but let's just say, I discovered that the best friend I have right now is this little red guitar.

There has been a song written for everyone and everything in every situation. Put another dime in the jukebox, baby!

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-17, Which Describes How You're Feeling All the Time

2010-08-11T00:16:00.000-07:00

Surely you know the feeling (sorry, shan't call you Shirley any longer). The same thing that has been bugging you for years continues to nag you some more. I often think of this song when I'm having that feeling. Doesn't matter what it is... in fact, I've already forgotten. You see, I sang my worries away with a spritely madrigal from the GBGC. Give it a try. It works!

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-18, Waltzing Madonna (Lucky Star)

2010-08-10T00:36:00.000-07:00

Truly there have been moments of genius as of late on the Bad Guitar Channel. Nevertheless, it's always good to get a Quickie in every now and again to remind us where it all begins.

(this spot left intentionally blank to let your mind wander)

The GBGC Quickies are indeed comprised of "one" take, but it is seldom the first. Nor is this "Quickie" this first take, rather the second. And believe me, I was wanting to do a third, but I thought, 'What the hey,' my fans deserve to see a rough cut every now and then. So here it is. Here's what it has become. A Madonna song. In a waltz tempo. With an inadvertent and probably bad Irish accent.

Enjoy!

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-19, Heartbreaker Infomercial

2010-08-09T00:37:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I couldn't top yesterday's post ... Well, I still don't think I topped it, but I am nonetheless very pleased with today's results. Mostly because, in addition to regular GBGC tracks, GBGC Quickies and GBGC Originals, I got the idea to start a GBGC Infomercial series. Serendipity is definitely at work here. I trust that my "real" life will work itself out in a similar manner.

By the way, Pat Benatar will be playing in New York on my actual birthday. REO Speedwagon will be on the same ticket. Coincidence? I think not. Thanks to the GBGC and other parties still enjoying their music, they can keep on rolling.

And thanks to my colleagues at the Kammeroper Frankfurt for assisting me in making this video!

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-20, Superman

2010-08-08T03:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think I'm living in a parallel universe. Recently I was named 'best up and coming singer' in a national newspaper. On the radio the other day, the journalist reviewing the piece I'm in now claimed that I will be singing in one of Germany's better opera houses next season (does he know something I don't know?). The local newspapers have always praised my work (okay, okay enough own-horn tooting....). The reality is, I'm living a very ... very ... modest lifestyle and my business line isn't exactly ringing off the hook. Nor is my private line, come to think of it. So I wonder if all those newspaper articles and radio reportages are about a parallel me, a fantasy me, and all I have to do is break on through to the other side.

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-21, (Keep Feeling) Fascination

2010-08-07T03:58:00.000-07:00

"Your count down has me concerned that you will be gravely disappointed when you wake up and just feel exactly as good as you feel right now. it really is a let down...no aches, no pains, no grays.... stupid numbers." That was a message sent to me by an old high school friend today. Indeed, I am not afraid of getting "older," but numbers do put things into a different perspective - one that I'm not always to happy to have. I know I won't feel any different. I'll just try to keep feeling fascination. Looking, learning, moving on!

(Thanks, Jamie, for helping me write my content today. I'm getting a bit weary. Like the Human League knows, it's sometimes hard to top your own self!)

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-22, The Dottie Song (A GBGC Original)

2010-08-06T05:02:00.000-07:00

So I've been doing this for 10 days in a row now. TEN DAYS! The making of a GBGC video can take anywhere from one-half to eight hours. Before the process even begins, I have to decide on a song. Then afterwards, there's waiting for it to upload, entering all the information on YouTube, formatting the blog entry itself, promoting it by posting it on facebook and sometimes other sites.... It's quite a commitment.

Yesterday - and I get this a lot - someone I know was asking me about the GBGC, then she said something along the lines of, "Oh, so that's what people who don't have kids do with their time." I confess I did not react with excess poise when I retorted, "That doesn't mean that I wouldn't rather have children." I hope she didn't take offense, because none was intended. I'm sure if I had children, I would organize my time differently, but I don't, so I won't.

The GBGC is, at least for the time being, my baby. I created it, I brought it into this world, and I made a promise to myself nine days ago that I would make one video everyday until my birthday (T-22! Will I make it?). Of course it's different than the responsibilities of parents who have to make sure their little ones are fed, bathed, clothed, educated, informed, loved and protected. But I have been a very good parent to my Bad Guitar Channel. I strive for perfection -- totally "flawsome" perfection, that is (see GBGC #7). Over the past three months I have been compassionate, honest, sociopolitical, journalistic, poetic, comical, and sometimes even musical.

I have said I would do a lot of things over the years, and for the first time I am actually achieving one of them - and it's not nearly as easy as it may look (in fact, for some unknown reason, the first uploading attempt didn’t work). Today's installment portrays that quite well. I thought of settling for less many, MANY times today, but I kept going until the job was done, until my harshest critic was satisfied. I don't even brush my teeth with as much care, and that's probably far more important in the long run. Who shall say?

I'm very proud of myself for sticking to it, pulling through even though I don't always want to. I guess that's what good parents do, too.

For that and many other reasons, I think this video is my personal favorite thus far.

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-23, Constant Craving

2010-08-05T01:11:00.000-07:00

On my way home after the show tonight (for those of you not in the know, I'm actually a professional opera singer), I started humming this song. Right away, I thought there'd be too many chords in it, and sure enough, when I checked, I found that dreaded F chord. But I didn't want to be defeated on this day. Today, I wanted to get what I wanted. Most days, that doesn't happen. And here I was hoping to be "all set" by the time I was... well, in 23 days.

In the meantime, I found out that the state of California just overturned its cockamamy ban on same sex marriage. Just because a person is gay in California, however, doesn't automatically mean that he or she has someone in their life they want to go out and marry today. And just because I am a damn good opera singer/actress/artist doesn't necessarily mean that the heavens are lining things up to make that happen, either. The want is still there, however. Constant craving has always been.

So this song goes out to truth seekers of all kinds who can finally get what they've been craving, even if that is only the recognition that it is okay to want what you want - and that you might actually deserve it.

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-24, I Need You

2010-08-04T06:45:00.000-07:00

It's probably a good idea to watch the video before reading this, otherwise one of the jokes is verschenkt. First of all, I'm thoroughly proud of myself for doing eight days of GBGC Top 40 Countdown. Actually, I've made nine videos in row - "Time for Me to Fly" is not part of the countdown, unfortunately, since I came up with the concept a day later. More work for me!

I don't know how many aspects of life can be compared to buying shoes, but it happened to me again: I fell in shoe love. Completely unexpected, completely impractical, and completely fine with me. Be it finding a boyfriend, a job, or a pair of shoes (what else is there, really?), it's always the same. The more you look, the less you find. There I was, in Frankfurt's snazzy new shopping center, when upon descending the escalator I saw the close out sale at a shoe store. I wasn't even there shopping, rather I wanted the yummy noodles that they sell up on the top floor. But what the heck - by the time next New Year's Eve rolls around, I would like a nicer pair of evening wear shoes.

Well, I didn't find elegant black pumps, but I did see this pair of purple suede shoes, 60 % off. I don't have too much money to burn right now, but it was one of those moments. It was shoe love. It's my birthday soon, so there. Hopefully I'll be as open, aware and ready to strike as I was on the day I found my purple shoes when other opportunities show themselves to me. And hopefully that will be soon!

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-25, Blister in the Sun

2010-08-03T08:45:00.000-07:00

Tonight we may have a chance to see aurorae light up the sky, as the sun spews balls of plasma directly toward the Earth. As much as I'm not necessarily looking forward to turning one year older, being smoldered by a solar loogie was not how I thought I might die. Let's hope the end of the world holds off for a while. I've got quite a nice song in the works for you for tomorrow. Until then, a GBGC Quickie, part of the countdown to 40.

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-26, Leuchtturm (Lighthouse)

2010-08-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

I came home last night after a rather gruelling weekend of performances to find that I had been named "Beste Nachwuchssängerin" (best up and coming singer) by Die Welt. Sadly, they weren't referring to my Bad Guitar Channel, but I was still happy to hear that all the effort put into being a so-called professional opera singer did not go unnoticed. The commendation for my work as Miss Donnithorne at Theater Mönchengladbach was like a little beacon in the dark night of my soul.

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-27, Casey Jones

2010-08-01T07:52:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the Internet making every piece of information available to us, I caught wind of the fact that today, August 1st, would have been Jerry Garcia's birthday. You know, Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead. That's about the extent of my knowledge of the Grateful Dead. I can name exactly one band member, and exactly one song besides this one ("Truckin'"). Oh, and I've been to a Grateful Dead concert. A classmate of mine from NAU head an extra ticket, so I headed off with two of his friends in a red mustang convertible, heading north from Flagstaff to Las Vegas the night before the concert. I'll spare you the horrific details of the trip, as it were, and won't elaborate on the effects of mind-altering drugs (read about it in my memoirs), but I will say that it was a shame they wore off before the concert began the next day. The bright lights and loud carpets of Las Vegas casinos are way too much to handle with drugs, but a Grateful Dead concert is unbearably boring without them, so make sure you bring enough for the whole trip. You see, it's valuable pieces of advice like this that should make you want to follow my blog, and not some washed up hippy band.

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-28: The Rainbow Connection

2010-07-30T18:08:00.000-07:00

"Who said that every wish would be heard and answered

When wished on the morning star?

Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it

And look what it's done so far.

What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing

And what do we think we might see?"

Those of you who know me well, know that knowing words to songs is not one of my strong points (ironic, being that I am indeed a so-called professional opera singer, I know). You know? Little did I know how poignant the lyrics to "Rainbow Connection" were. The video you are seeing must have been the 5th or 6th take, because I got choked up each time. Who knew that frogs could be so deep?

At the time of recording, I had just returned from a performance, so remnants of eyeliner are still caked in my eyelashes, and my hair is worse for wear after having removed my enormous red wig. I came home to find that one of my elementary school friends had a birthday today. Then I went on a trip down memory lane, remembering that he was my first square dance partner (that counted as a sport back then). I remembered ordering the Muppet Movie Soundtrack from one of those record clubs - six albums for a penny! When you're a kid, you don't read the fine print, so when they sent me the bill for the rest, I just ignored it and eventually, they ignored me. For a laugh, here are the six albums I ordered: the Muppet Movie Soundtrack, Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass, Chuck Mangione, Pointer Sisters, B-52s Wild Planet and ... well, I don't remember the last one, although there's a good chance it was Captain and Tenille.

Counting down the days to my 40th birthday (there, I've said it), many memories fade or rearrange themselves. For instance, I always thought it was Gonzo who sang "Rainbow Connection" when indeed it was Kermit the Frog. With a banjo. Go figure.

So, I donned my only article of green clothing and recorded this song - it's 2 in the morning, I've just sung a full-length opera, and I'm no closer to knowing why there are so many songs about rainbows, much less what's on the other side.

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-29, Closer to Fine

2010-07-30T08:33:00.000-07:00

Who's idea was it to do a new video every day until my birthday? Well, a promise is a promise. For my dozens of fans, I bring you today's installment of the GBGC Top 40 countdown. One of my favorite songs - I actually know all the words! Didn't even need a cheat sheet. So, I've gotta run! More tomorrow on .... Grahamophone's Bad Guitar Channel!

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-30, Just Can't Get Enough

2010-07-29T10:30:00.000-07:00

I'll have to confess that "The Final Countdown" was never one of my personal favorites (although my rendition is quite nice, I must say). Depeche Mode, on the other hand accompanied all of my teenage years. They've got a song for every mood, this one being among the more cheery ones. I reckon I'll be listening more to "Black Celebration" a lot in the years to come. But for now, let's let our inner conflicts battle themselves out - as I have allegorized here with the dueling banjo reference. Also, I pay tribute to moments from previous GBGC videos. Enjoy!

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-31, Final Countdown

2010-07-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

Too bad I didn't think of this nine days ago. It would've been funnier that way. One month from today I will be having a birthday (please send money), so I've decided to commemorate the event by recording one song per day until then -- most likely a timeless 80's hit. We'll see. For the first day, the obvious choice.

GBGC Quickie: Time for Me to Fly. The Kunst of saying goodbye.

2010-07-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

First off, let me just say that REO Speedwagon has not gotten enough credit for the service they have done to the letter R. That being said, this GBGC Quickie is actually a subtle tribute to a new friend of mine who spends the better part of the year on the road. He stopped by for a short visit the other day, sat down at my piano and started playing "Keep On Loving You." I would have recorded that particular song today, but it has the dreaded F major chord in it which my delicate hands find painful - and the bad baby guitar strings cut even deeper than a full-sized one. "Time for Me to Fly" is still a fitting anthem to the flighty nature of friendship, however, which is punctuated and symbolized in this video by the telephone. How many times do we greet and bid farewell to our friends on a daily/monthly/yearly basis?

GBGC #22: Brighten the Corner Where You Are - In Loving Memory of Grandmaphone

2010-07-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

For years, my grandmother had been planning her funeral. She had her obituary already written according to the standard style, and speaking of herself, she wrote, "She is remembered for her friendly smile and willingness to help those in need." That is all. Her wishes for what she wanted to have sung at the looming event, as well as some other details, were written on a small piece of paper, stuck to the refrigerator with a bird-shaped magnet.

She wished for me and my siblings to perform this song, and although I am unable to go to the funeral on account of my own performances, I couldn't not grant her her dying wish:

Brighten the Corner Where You Are

Do not wait until some deed of greatness you may do,
Do not wait to shed your light afar;
To the many duties ever near you now be true,
Brighten the corner where you are.
- Refrain:
  Brighten the corner where you are!
  Brighten the corner where you are!
  Someone far from harbor you may guide across the bar;
  Brighten the corner where you are!
Just above are clouded skies that you may help to clear,
Let not narrow self your way debar;
Though into one heart alone may fall your song of cheer,
Brighten the corner where you are.
Here for all your talent you may surely find a need,
Here reflect the bright and Morning Star;
Even from your humble hand the Bread of Life may feed,
Brighten the corner where you are.

Despite her friendly smile, my grandmother often did not get jokes. I'm sure she wouldn't have understood the intrinsic silliness of the Bad Guitar Channel. I'm sure if I had had a chance to play it for her, she would have said, "Pretty." And she would have meant it.

GBGC Original: Kazoo-zoo-zela. Inspired by Gounod, Orff, and the Vuvuzela - official instrument of the World Cup 2010

2010-07-08T13:36:00.000-07:00

Alas, the jubilation is over. Last night, Germany lost a battle with Spain, thereby relinquising their chance at a fourth World Cup title. Weltmeister, indeed. One thing this year's World Cup gave us was the unmistakable drone of the vuvuzela, South Africa's contribution to insomnia.
Inspired by the monotonic instrument, I hereby give you my tribute to the German national team. Sognando di Finale.... a dream that will have to wait at least another four years.

GBGC Quickie: I WANT MONEY

2010-07-04T09:27:00.000-07:00

Enough said.

GBGC #19: Oh L'amour. Still searching for answers

2010-07-02T14:22:00.000-07:00

To tell you the truth, this episode of Grahamophone's Bad Guitar Channel did not come easy to me. I usually just go with the flow. It started out well enough, as I was fiddling around with the banjo one day and the famous Habanera melody from Bizet's Carmen just appeared under my fingers.

It didn't take too long to get Erasure's classic 80's hit to fit over top of it, either. Even the special sound effects from my beloved Garage Band seemed to flow effortlessly throughout the creation of the song.

When it came time to make the video, I must confess I had no plan -- not that I ever have a plan, but the ideas were just not flowing. That's when one needs to go back to the basics - the five W's of journalism. Who, What, Where, When, Why. And how!

(Special thanks to my camera men Oliver and Sebastian)

GBGC #18: Wish You Were Here (and when I say 'you' I mean Diego Forlán)

2010-06-16T15:38:00.000-07:00

Up until a few years ago, I didn't know the first thing about soccer (futbol, Fußball, football). In fact, I wasn't such a sports fan at all. Then a rather clever director (Regisseur) cast me in an operetta (light opera, Singspiel) playing the role of a tomboy. I had to juggle a ball during my monologue (not juggle, like with three balls, but soccer juggling - keeping the ball in the air using every appendage except your hands).

This lead to me joining the theater soccer team, and even playing in the Bavarian "Theater Cup."

Now, I am caught up yet again in World Cup fever. It's really quite a special time in Europe - the sidewalks lined with plasma televisions, vuvuzelas resounding throughout the town, and people coming together for a common, if frivolous, cause. In this video, I show off a few of my best moves.

GBGC Quickie: I Got Life. Please, sir, can I have some more (stuff)?

2010-06-10T13:30:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things I don't have at the moment. Money, a boyfriend, a kid, an iPhone... but I got life. And a bad guitar, three chords (sometimes less, sometimes more), and the truth.

GBGC #16: Roam. Another word for channel-surfing.

2010-06-04T03:57:00.000-07:00

The thing I love about the GBGC is that I never have to plan anything and it all just happens. This is why I have yet to grant requests - you can't force genius. Okay, maybe I'm getting too cocky. It's not genius, it just comes together.

When I picked "Roam" (or rather it picked me .... can't even remember what got me started on it), I looked to see what year the original song came out exactly. It was one of Billboard's Top 100 hits of 1990. It just so happens that a couple facebook friends of mine graduated in 1990, and they have their yearbook photos as profile pictures at the moment. Very funny, indeed. So, I set out to make this kind of a tribute to them.

Then I noticed I had the TV running in the background (a symptom of being sick these past few days - the television has been a trusted friend and nap-inducer). So, what the heck, I'll start channel surfing and filming some clips. I LOVE holiday programming... so much interesting stuff. I had used the banjo percussively more than anything, and the bongo-like sounds matched the wildlife clips; the late-night advertising coincided with the meaning of the song itself, and the Kiss concert... well... that was just serendipity at its finest.

If only life could be so easy. Hmmm... perhaps it is. Let it all come together. Right now. Over me.

I've got some ideas cooking up for my other 'serious' blog (see the link under 'About Me'). Check it out if you have some time! Thanks, and enjoy.....

GBGC Quickie: Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe. That's a start.

2010-06-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

This is the first official "GBGC Quickie." The point is to do no editing and little or no witty quips. Due to my self-inflicted sinus infection, I still cannot breathe properly, and therefore I was inspired to sing this little ditty by the Hollies. My computer also seems to be stuffed up, and I got this great choppy video effect that would've taken me hours to do had I tried. So, I confess, I did a little editing, and changed it to black and white and chalked it up to an "artistic choice". I hope the video taping functions normally for the next regular video, and I hope to be breathing freely by tomorrow (or next Tuesday at the very latest).

GBGC #14: Yes, I'm still ill.

2010-05-31T03:51:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd do a Smiths' song, but life is full of surprises. Like, I find it surprising that using a neti pot can actually make you sick, but that's what happens to me more often than not. Why do I continue to use one, then? Well, life is full of surprises.
This song will be one of the last with the bad baby banjo, as I have to return it to its rightful owner, but one of the first in a series called GBGC Quickies (or something clever like that - one take, short videos without much schnick-schnack, pille-palle or other fancy-schmancy stuff).

GBGC #13: Head Over Heels

2010-05-30T15:16:00.000-07:00

Last night I wore my "I'm Big in Europe" T-Shirt to a Eurovision song contest party. For those of you who don't know what that is, I challenge you to do your own research, for I do not want to be held responsible for any injury. Before I went, I decided to snazz up the T-Shirt a bit by cutting a scoop neck and making the sleeves shorter. One look in the mirror, and I knew what I had to do....

GBGC #12: Dueling: Banjo vs. Everything

2010-05-26T06:41:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like it's you against the world? Feeling glum for a number of reasons, but unable to pinpoint exactly what is getting you down? Or maybe just everything sucks. Well, if there's anything we can learn from dueling banjos, it's that you can divide everything up and keep score. Perhaps then it will be easier to differentiate between your financial woes, your frustration about a friendship, or your depression about the end of your favorite television show (i.e. LOST). And then you realize that there are some things that you just can't do anything about. En garde!!

GBGC #11: Femme Fatale by Glamophone (featuring Bad Baby Banjo)

2010-05-24T06:13:00.000-07:00

No sooner do I start the Bad Guitar Channel than somebody hands me a bad baby banjo. This is not helping my glamorous image as an opera singer. So, what was I to do? The only thing I could do: Glam Rock. And I'm wearing the dress that I performed in at the lawyer's party, by the way.

Please read the accompanying article "Glamophone" on my other blog: Christine's Voice.

Enjoy!

GBGC #10: Landslide. Here we go!!!

2010-05-17T11:46:00.000-07:00

My method is a little backassward: first recording the song and maybe filming some other shots, then splicing them together, maybe laying down some extra tracks and then, only THEN adding the little quips and quirks to come up with some sort of “message” for you.

Well, tonight I figured out what’s wrong with that method. By the time it’s done, sometimes I have no message to convey. But in the spirit of a true autodidact, this time around I taught myself something.

Just when I thought I was headed for a landslide, where everything I built upon would come crashing down, a friend called me to do a concert. (Okay, I know after that build-up you were probably expecting more, but we take what we can get)

It’s a bona fide operatic concert for a group of lawyers. They’re all rich, but with any luck one of them will be young and good-looking (and maybe even available?). I was discussing the details with my friend -- the same person who has offered me roles in the operas of Mozart, Rossini and Verdi -- and in parting he said, “Oh, and bring your ukulele with you.”

The first thing that crossed my mind was, “It’s not a UKULELE!!”

Then it occurred to me that he was actually asking me to sing a song with the bad guitar in a room full of lawyers who will have just heard me singing opera arias.

After throwing my little hissy fit, I agreed to bring it. If at the end of the planned program we have the feeling that they might want a comical, light-hearted encore, say “Don’t Stop Believin’” in an upbeat fashion, I will sing one song. ONE. If they want more, they’re going to have to lay another hundred down on the table. Per song.

So, here’s a soothing rendition of Landslide, which will hopefully make the downfall of my operatic career a bit more pleasant.

GBGC #9: Shine, damn it! Shine!!

2010-05-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

As if life itself weren't reason enough for melancholy, Spring 2010 has decided to be one of the grayest Springs on record - in my life at least. And that coming from someone who spent five years living in Seattle, the capital of gray skies and grunge. I don't how it will be in the future, when fans and contractual obligations will force me to crank out a bad guitar hit day in day out, regardless of the weather. For now I have enjoyed the luxury of allowing muse to tap me on the shoulder when the time is right. No need for brainstorming, even under cloudy skies. It was clear to me which song I would have to sing today.

GBGC #8: Don't Stop Believin'

2010-05-11T09:04:00.000-07:00

Faithful viewers of GBGC will know that I tend to poke fun at 'ze Germans' from time to time. But, much like my renditions of classic rock and roll hits, it's my own way of showing affection.

If I find myself starting a sentence with "The reason it's funny is ...," then I know I'm either talking to someone who just doesn't get me, or I'm talking to a German. Or both. I forgive them, because they know not what they do. Nor do I make it easy on them.

My first seven videos were (in my humble opinion) pretty funny, and then I go and make this one. This confuses the Germans, for they think I have been "acting" funny in the previous videos. Fact is, in this video as well as in GBGC #1 With or Without You, for example, I was just sitting there playing guitar.

Why is it that the first one was funny and the other is melancholy? Shouldn't Journey's timeless hit, as featured on the hit TV program "Glee" be uplifting and full of joy?

Good question. You tell me.

This wasn't "meant" to be funny, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't laugh. It wasn't meant to be anything other than a Momentaufnahme in the life of an artist who goes by the name of Grahamophone.

Nobody puts Baby in a Schublade!

GBGC #7: Heart of Glass: It's all coming together, flaws and all.

2010-05-10T07:48:00.000-07:00

For those who already know Grahamophone (meaning ME, and not the other people who were also clever enough to think of this moniker), you will know that I am many splendorous things, including, but not limited to 1) a singer, 2) a writer, and 3) a hoot.

With the divine intervention of the kid-sized guitar, I have finally found a vehicle to express those three sides of me. After the link to the music video, I will share a blog entry from my other blog, "Christine's Voice."

TOTALLY F*CKIN' FLAWSOME! (from Grahamophone's Blog)
"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
--- Marilyn Monroe

It’s a long story how it all happened, but last week something special came into my life. And it came in the form of a child-sized guitar. I can hardly believe that it’s meant to be anything other than a toy, but it has six steel strings which follow the same tuning of a regular guitar; what’s more, I can hardly believe that it’s for children, because if one of those six steel strings gets wound too tightly - well, let’s just say it’s all fun and games until somebody loses an eye.

When I first had this guitar in my hands, I took out my tuning fork (which I keep in my purse - you never know when you’re going to need an A) and tuned it up. Then I strummed a G-major chord.

Ouch.

The trouble was, unlike a regular guitar, when I pressed down onthe first fret it resulted in not quite a whole-step interval, instead of what should have been a half-step. It was like what one of my former choir directors used to refer to as not sharp nor flat, rather, “G-crack.”

Then I figured, if this instrument, this toy, this .... thing was indeed made for children, then perhaps I shouldn’t be pressing down so hard on the strings (since children’s fingers have not yet developed the strength). This was indeed a factor leading to better intonation, but by lightly pressing on the string, the sound was muffled and not sustainable. What to do?

Well, for starters, don’t take this little guitar so seriously! It is obviously flawed. It is not meant to perform in the conventional way.

Why I didn’t realize the importance of that message right then and there is a mystery to me, but I’m thankful to have recognized it now, seven days after creating the “grahamophone bad guitar channel” series on YouTube.

I never set out to create this monster, nor would it ever have occurred to me to do what I did, had it not been for several factors lining up simultaneously:

1)I was in the possession of a kid-sized guitar.
2)My Internet access was down for four days.
3) I am currently in between jobs and thusly have what some might consider to be too much time on my hands.
4)I happen to be a creative person with a quirky, yet intelligent sense of humor.

The fourth factor is the one that often gets me into trouble professionally - many people don’t quite know what to do with me. But mostly, I stumble over my own desire for perfection. When I was lucky enough to be employed full-time, I got into several spats with my superiors over the type of work they were giving me. What with all the screaming I did in the office trying to convince them that I was perfect, it was a wonder they didn’t believe my voice to be big enough for certain roles. I was feeling artistically (thereby creatively) impeded, and they were just downright annoyed, understandably.

Like my little guitar, despite being tuned to perfection, if you play it in a conventional way and expect conventional results, you’re going to be disappointed. The flaws do not lie in the tuning, rather in the mechanics. My problem was not a musical flaw, but rather a lack of skill in crisis management. (Then again, I was hired for the former, not the latter, but let’s let bygones be bygones, shall we?)

Luckily for the little guitar, it fell into my hands - someone whose imagination is expansive enough to recognize its potential and turn it into its own guitar hero. The same applied to me. Shortly after being fired from my aforementioned job, a new employer entrusted me with the very same role I would have been singing had I kept my former position. Not only was I worthy of this role, but with each performance, I got better and better. I was by no means perfect - in some places I would push too hard, forcing my voice - dare I say it? - out of tune, but I was always heard. The applause at the end of the evening, accompanied with the director’s compliment, “It’s like Verdi wrote it for you,” was enough to convince me that I was perfect enough.

During the rehearsal period for that show, I once got really frustrated with the conductor who was being especially picky with me. “I make mistakes, too!” I whined. “No,” he replied. “You should avoid them.” He was right, perfectly aware of the standard I set for myself.

You should always do your best, and not make lazy mistakes, but you should never deny yourself your imperfections - your right to be absolutely flawsome.

As for the little guitar, I love it. For some reason, I can completely let loose and be nowhere near perfect, yet with perfect results. The feeling seems to be mutual. I embrace its flaws. In fact, if you don’t cringe while listening to grahamophone’s bad guitar channel, you’re either tone-deaf, or I’ve done something wrong.

Be patient and you will find those who accept and cherish you for who you are -- strengths, foibles and all.

In parting, a few more words of wisdom from Marilyn Monroe:

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

GBGC #6: Dancing Barefoot: treading softly upon others' territory

2010-05-08T07:34:00.000-07:00

My sister explicitly told me, "Do not touch my Kate or my Patti," but even she was converted to a GBGC fan after realizing that imitation is indeed the best form of flattery. Although it may seem that I handle things in a farcical and lackadaisical manner, I actually pay great attention to detail while making my videos for the bad guitar channel. Whether it be so campy as chopping onions during "...tears in my eyes..." in the previous video, or paying subtle homage to the radiator seen in one of Mapplethorpe's famous images of Patti Smith, my renditions are meant to revere and celebrate the source material.

GBGC #5: Waiting in Vain (or maybe not?) for the telephone repairman

2010-05-07T07:15:00.000-07:00

They say it takes about a week to form a habit, so at five days without Internet, I wasn't quite free of my addiction to crackbook or the world wide web at large. Still, my connection to this little guitar was growing, and I decided to let my newly formed fan-base in on a few secrets of the bad guitar channel trade. I had almost forgotten that I was waiting for the telephone repairman to arrive - for the one person who would give me back all that which I had been missing for four whole days. When he arrived (as is featured in this video), I felt my new alter ego, which had just gained the courage to rear its ugly head, start to slip slowly back into its hiding place. What would become of Grahamophone's Bad Guitar Channel? Well, wait and see....

GBGC #4: Can't Live (without the Internet)

2010-05-06T07:00:00.000-07:00

Old habits die hard. Even after transcending the effects of Internet withdrawal, on the fourth day I plummeted back into a deep depression, the likes of which are seen only on the grand operatic stage. The almighty powers of YouTube must have sensed this, because half of the related videos they suggested were links to mantra singing videos.

GBGC #3: Hide Your Love Away (from the virtual universe)

2010-05-05T06:53:00.000-07:00

After three days of life without the Internet, I entered a new intellectual and spiritual plane, taking example from the Fab Four.

GBGC #2: (Starting to Panic) Manic Monday

2010-05-04T18:46:00.000-07:00

Surviving one day without Internet was only possible by distracting myself with the dulcet sounds of a hopelessly non-tunable child-sized guitar. So, as I felt pangs of panic setting in on the second day, I picked up the precious piece of ... poop (for alliteration's sake) and mused about my manic Monday (to tell you the truth, 'twas a Tuesday).

GBGC #1: With or Without You (and by you, I mean Internet)

2010-05-03T22:02:00.000-07:00

Practically stranded at home with nothing but easy-to-use filmmaking software and a kid-sized guitar, I inadvertently started a peaceful protest against my internet service provider.
Day One:

Introducing: Grahamophone's Bad Guitar Channel

2010-05-03T04:46:00.000-07:00

On May 2nd, 2010, I was spending one of the few sunny Sundays this Spring has had to offer with my six-year-old friend Gala. She leant me her "guitar" and frolicking ensued. Together we composed and filmed the song "G-A-LA la la la la la la la" (see YouTube video below)

I took the guitar home to splice the clips together. The following day, it just so happens that my phone service - including Internet - was interrupted. Practically stranded at home with nothing but easy-to-use recording and filmmaking software and a kid's guitar, Grahamophone's Bad Guitar Channel was born. We hope you enjoy our original song, as well as the many cover versions to follow.

GRAHAMOPHONE'S BAD GUITAR CHANNEL

Peace Out: a Retrospective of 2011

GBGC Original - If I Had A Boyfriend (track #71)

Here I Am at the Apple Store - a letter to Steve Jobs from GBGC

GBGC Original: The Queen of the Night

GBGC Original: Whine whine bicker bitch moan complain

GBGC Original: Eddie Vedder Smiled At Me (It's Not A Ukulele)

GBGC #66: Anniversary Edition - Don't Stop (Fighting Terrorism)

GBGC Original: Yadda Yadda Yadda Yadda (Tell Me Something I Don't Know)

GBGC #64: Verdi Cries (a shout out to fellow singers everywhere)

GBGC #63: Happy Xmas (War is Over) - Tribute to John Lennon

GBGC Halloween Quickie - I'm Going Home (Rocky Horror Picture Show)

GBGC Quickie - Love Will Tear Us Apart Again (Joy Division)

GBGC #60: Big Yellow Zombie Mash-up

GBGC #59: As Yet Unbridled (a GBGC Original, and LIVE to boot!)

GBGC #58: Almost Heaven, West Virginia: Grahamophone Travel Guide

GBGC #57: Farewell to Bad Baby Banjo - Missing You (John Waite)

GBGC #56: Bad Baby Banjo plays "Bad" (Michael Jackson)

GBGC Original: Today is My Birthday

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-1, Running Up That Hill. Still running...

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-2, Gimme, gimme, gimme some new Swedish furniture

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-3, Close to Me. Getting closer. And closer.

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-4, Weeping Wine (Tour of the Weinfest in Guntersblum)

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-5, Back on the Chain Gang (featuring the train gang)

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-6, F-f-f-foolin'!!

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-7, In a Big Country. *This* big!

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-8, Lies, lies, lies!

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-9, Spending the day reminiscing about mix tapes

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-10, Crazy. I think I'll survive.

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-11, This is the Day (well, not quite, but you never know)

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-12, Loser Like You (GBGC Original)

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-13, Shine Like it Does: A Tour of Frankfurt

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-14, God (Tori Amos). A tour of the cathedral in Frankfurt

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-15, Bad (U2). The Wrath of (Feroze) Khan, my yoga teacher

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-16, Hold Me Now

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-17, Which Describes How You're Feeling All the Time

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-18, Waltzing Madonna (Lucky Star)

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-19, Heartbreaker Infomercial

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-20, Superman

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-21, (Keep Feeling) Fascination

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-22, The Dottie Song (A GBGC Original)

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-23, Constant Craving

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-24, I Need You

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-25, Blister in the Sun

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-26, Leuchtturm (Lighthouse)

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-27, Casey Jones

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-28: The Rainbow Connection

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-29, Closer to Fine

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-30, Just Can't Get Enough

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-31, Final Countdown

GBGC Quickie: Time for Me to Fly. The Kunst of saying goodbye.

GBGC #22: Brighten the Corner Where You Are - In Loving Memory of Grandmaphone

GBGC Original: Kazoo-zoo-zela. Inspired by Gounod, Orff, and the Vuvuzela - official instrument of the World Cup 2010

GBGC Quickie: I WANT MONEY

GBGC #19: Oh L'amour. Still searching for answers

GBGC #18: Wish You Were Here (and when I say 'you' I mean Diego Forlán)

GBGC Quickie: I Got Life. Please, sir, can I have some more (stuff)?

GBGC #16: Roam. Another word for channel-surfing.

GBGC Quickie: Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe. That's a start.

GBGC #14: Yes, I'm still ill.

GBGC #13: Head Over Heels

GBGC #12: Dueling: Banjo vs. Everything

GBGC #11: Femme Fatale by Glamophone (featuring Bad Baby Banjo)

GBGC #10: Landslide. Here we go!!!

GBGC #9: Shine, damn it! Shine!!

GBGC #8: Don't Stop Believin'

GBGC #7: Heart of Glass: It's all coming together, flaws and all.

GBGC #6: Dancing Barefoot: treading softly upon others' territory

GBGC #5: Waiting in Vain (or maybe not?) for the telephone repairman

GBGC #4: Can't Live (without the Internet)

GBGC #3: Hide Your Love Away (from the virtual universe)

GBGC #2: (Starting to Panic) Manic Monday

GBGC #1: With or Without You (and by you, I mean Internet)

Introducing: Grahamophone's Bad Guitar Channel

GBGC Top 40 Countdown: T-7, In a Big Country. This big!